For the terminally online yet terminally lazy, now is the time to use AI to translate soviet-era black humour into current events.
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A man lines up for hours at the shop. When he gets to the front, he places his order: "A dozen eggs."
The clerk shakes her head. "So sorry, this is the butcher who has no meat.The poultry shop that has no eggs is next door."
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A soldier is sentenced to death for calling Hegseth a drunken moron. "But I meant some other Hegseth," he pleads. The judge isn't having it.
"Never mind the name, who else could you possibly call a drunken moron?"
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@raganwald
A youngster spray-painted “Trump is a moron” on the wall of the White House and got sentenced to twenty years hard labor — one year for property damage, nineteen years for revealing state secrets.
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@raganwald
Ylva Johansson was asked:
— Is there secrecy of correspondence in the S̶o̶v̶i̶e̶t̶ U̶n̶i̶o̶n̶ European Union?
Ylva Johansson answered:
— Yes, there is. However, correspondence with a̶n̶t̶i̶-̶S̶o̶v̶i̶e̶t̶ inappropriate content will not be delivered.
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@raganwald
And one about AI:
- I made an amazing machine: you rest your chin over here and you get a perfect shave!
- How does it adapt to the person's face?
- ?
- Every person's face has a different shape…
- Only the first time they use the machine!
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@dcoderlt How very Procrustean!
A judge walks out of his chambers laughing his head off. A colleague approaches him and asks why he is laughing. "I just heard the funniest joke in the world!" "Well, go ahead, tell me!" says the other judge. "I can't – I just gave raganwald ten years for it!"
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Three men are sitting in a cell in El Salvador. The first asks the second why he has been imprisoned, who replies, "Because I criticized Elon Musk." The first man responds, "But I am here because I spoke out in favour of Elon Musk!" They turn to the third man who has been sitting quietly in the back, and ask him why he is in jail. He answers, "I'm Elon Musk."
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@raganwald unrealistic. Elon Musk is such a bombastic obnoxious twit that he would be completely unable to sit quietly
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@Da_Gut Have you been to prison in the real world? Do you know what happens when guys doing nickels, dimes, or "The Bitch" are disturbed by some terminally attention-seeking arrogant fuckwit? They help him learn to be real quiet, real quick.
But in the world of these jokes, you're totally right!
An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating the Chinese-American accord over Taiwan and Greenland, to be called "Trump in China." When the painting is unveiled at the White House, there is a gasp from the invited guests; the painting depicts Melania naked in bed with Kristi Noem. One guest asks, "But this is a travesty! Where is Trump?" To which the painter replies, "Trump is in China."
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At the June 14 parade, a wizened old woman carries a sign that reads, "Thank you, Donald Trump, for my happy childhood!" A militia goon approaches her. "What's this? Are you mocking MAGA? Everyone can see that your are so old, that when you were a child, Trump hadn't yet been born!"
The old woman replies, "That's precisely why I'm grateful!"
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Trump makes a campaign stop at a pork producer, and was photographed there. His content team has a discussion about how to caption the picture. "Trump, first amongst pigs", and "President Trump is surrounded by pigs" are rejected as politically offensive.
Finally, Stephen Miller announces his decision: "Third from left—President Trump."
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American gravy seals are marching over the 49th. As they approach a border post, they hear a defiant voice through the blizzard:
"One Canuck is better than ten Yanks!"
The general laughs, and sends ten Yanks to capture the border post.
There is gunfire, then everything goes silent for a moment, and they then hear the same voice:
"Correction! One Canuck is better than a hundred filthy Yanks!"
Enraged, the general sends a hundred gravy seals in, backed by drones and mortar fire.
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There is gunfire and explosions for a full thirty minutes, and everything goes silent again.
The one American soldier crawls back, severely wounded and battered Before the general could say anything, the soldier says…
"It's a trap! There are two of them."
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The man in the first joke returns and lines up for eggs. When he gets to the front, he is told there are none left.
He goes on a tirade, complaining about the incompetence of Donald Trump’s economy. An ICE goon overhears and draws his weapon. "Have you learned nothing from January 7th?"
The man apologizes and shuffles off. When he gets back home, his wife speaks, "Husband mine, your hands are empty! Are they still out of eggs?"
He frowns. "It's worse: They’re also out of bullets!"
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Raganwald is visiting the US, and he turns the TV on in his hotel room.
On the first channel, Trump Rally. Raganwald purses his lips and switches to a second channel: It's the Trump Rally again, but this time with Fox News hosts providing commentary.
He tries a third channel. Still Trump! Exasperated, he tries a fourth channel, but the TV turns into a videoconference with the hotel manager, who says:
"You had better stop changing channels."
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After the "Trump in China" debacle, an embarrassed President Trump tries to heal the narcissistic scar by threatening Cuba.
CUBA IS A ONE-PARTY STATE, he thunders like a keyboard warrior. WE WILL IMPOSE AMERICAN DEMOCRACY.
When asked about it at a press conference, First Secretary of Cuba Miguel Díaz-Canel shrugs and quotes Joseph Nyerere:
“The US is also a one-party state. But with typical American extravagance, they have two of them.”
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The man shopping for eggs returns a third day in a row and lines up. An hour later, he asks someone to hold his place in line.
“Trump's doing a surprise ICE inspection, I’m gonna go get my gun and shoot him dead.”
He goes off and is gone for an hour. When he returns, everyone wants to know what happened.
“Nothing,” he said, “I gave up. The line to shoot Trump was even longer than this.”
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Riddle me this:
You're locked in a room with Trump, Miller, and Noem. They are unarmed, but you have a gun with two bullets. Who do you shoot?
Answer:
Don’t be silly, we don't shoot people in these jokes. We use the threat of the gun to make Trump, Miller, and Noem leave us alone, and we wait until the ghouls start fighting amongst themselves over who eats whom.
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Every country has organized crime. Except America, where organized crime has a country.
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Ronald Reagan told this one:
An American and a Russian are sitting in a bar, arguing over whose country was better. The American argues,
"In America, I can do whatever I want. If I wanted to, I could walk right into the Mar-a-Lago, slam my fist on the President's desk, and say 'Mr. Trump, I don't like the way you are running our country.'"
The Russian then said, "I can do the same thing."
"Really? You can?" asks the American.
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"Yes," continues the Russian.
"If I wanted to, I could walk right into the Kremlin, slam my fist on Putin’s desk, and say, ‘Vladimir, I don’t like the way you run America.'"
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Kash Patel asks Stephen Miller where he can find the bathroom on Air Force One.
Stephen jerks a thumb towards the rear of the plane. “Third door on the Reich, opposite the galley.”
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Trump is visiting Canada and is taken to Fort York. Expecting a warm welcoming party by the soldiers, he is both shocked and offended that no one is greeting him at the gates. The embarrassed Canadians scramble to find someone to fire a ceremonial cannon.
The cannon is fired, and after a brief pause, a voice calls out from a nearby condo balcony. “What is that awful racket?”
“Trump”s at Fork York,” another voice answers.
“Oh,” the first voice replies, and the window closes.
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After collecting non-committal platitudes from Marc Carney, reporters ask Christia Freeland what Canada would do if America becomes embroiled in a war over Greenland.
She doesn’t hesitate. “Kick the Danes out first, then bury the Americans second.”
Why in that order?
“I insist on business before pleasure.”
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@raganwald
This one reminds me of another recent adaptation:
ICE goons travel in threes: one to read, one to write, and the third one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.
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